11/20/17

Forgiveness

 

Today I looked at the wedding pictures and I saw something I had not seen before.  During the ceremony my ex looked like he was going to cry.  Looking deeper at those pictures I saw love, deep abiding love.  However, when I looked at myself I looked pensive and immersed – please don’t hurt me.  Standing inside and outside myself at the same time I never really saw anything as it really was.  EVER!  Not with my dad or mom, not with my children, or my ex. 

 

The day of my divorce, I donned my best clothing, stood behind the thickest wall of my castle, put my meditation music on while I sat there waiting.  I kept looking for him, waiting to catch that glimpse, that one last view knowing the man I love(d) had to go.  Knowing that I no longer wanted to continue reading the same chapter in the story of my life yet again.  Knowing that the words that would come out of our mouths would be the same ones we had written sitting at that bitter meal.  What I saw when he appeared in court nearly ruined me, he looked defeated and broken.  I could tell he wanted to talk, yet I exchanged no words.  It felt like he wanted to stop the train before it wrecked, the pain was clearly visible (this may be my perception).  I closed my eyes, unable to hear the meditation music blasting in my ears as waves of agony rolled over me.  I couldn’t keep my eyes closed staring at him, something in me said “THIS, THIS Is what humans do to themselves and each other,” and I hated every minute of it!  I wanted to run to him (not walk), sit in his lap and hold him until both our tears stopped.  I had to get up and go to the restroom to cry, then stick that rod up my ass, put my big girl panties on and stand tall.  I ended the marriage using the same words I began it with, I DO.  I walked out of the courthouse in the rain and did the first authentic thing I had done in a long time, take off my shoes and walked the city streets to my car.  Drenched, I cried for a half an hour.

 

Oh, there are all sorts of sayings about forgiveness.  None of which make any sense to me.  Forgive and forget, forgive but don’t forget…  I cannot tell you how to forgive, what steps you should take to reach forgiveness because it is a very personal journey.  I know it is time to forgive both my ex and myself because I can see us through the eyes compassion and understanding.  Today I can see their (including the others mentioned above) pain alongside my own, and know that the small things that I am holding on too must also leave after having filtered them through my current understanding.

 

Today, I put my knees down, and know that my soul is changing.  I will keep praying that I can forgive myself for my mistakes and let go of the things that have been hurtful in my past.  I hope you keep praying….