Hook Line and Sinker (Boundaries)

It has been a funky last few days for me. People crossing boundaries – rude behavior, unexplained anger and the like. As I view it from a higher perspective, this is all a component of RESPECT that we should give self and others. I experienced something the other day that triggered a thought process (well several actually) taking me two days to process. It started with a person I did not know, who used abusive speech patterns, race, and gender as a platform to relieve pain. After asking a few questions, I let loose a personal truth.

I am finding that every interaction (good and bad) with another human carries with it a lesson for both parties. This was particularly the case with the above situation. You see I have this uncanny knack for seeing the wounding in others, a talent that is both a blessing and a curse. I also have a tendency to call them to the carpet through criticism, and judgment – a pattern that I picked up through childhood. After a personal year spent looking at self, I acknowledged several of my issues, and recognized that things had to change.

In the above instance, I used my emotional intelligence to address the issue with as much kindness as I could muster including my personal best at boundary setting. At the end of the interchange, I was still unsettled. I kept going back to the conversation with a “whaaaa” thought process. Good teachers know that they too learn from the students – and I had to dig deep to find my lessons about the boundaries and why this situation triggered me. I used to hear “you’re so gullible,” and “I throw it out there and you bite hook line and sinker.” This was typically in combination with teasing that would bring about personal pain resulting in tears. As I grew, when someone did this to someone I knew – I would panic never understanding the reason why.

Toying with people’s emotions to obtain a specific reaction as a game or for personal gain is Emotional Abuse. There are websites that describe the characteristics of emotional abuse I will not get into here, however repetition, persistence, and frequency determines this. Emotional abuse picks on the weaknesses of individuals rather than building upon their strengths. Teasing, joking, criticism, judgment, and focus on faults is also abusive. I have to tell you, once that understanding surfaced, every person that had interacted with me in that way flew across my mind. With each image, the feeling of rebellion and fear welled up in me. Here was a cycle, I had not recognized. It is part of the reason why I ended up in so many abusive relationships.

It is OH SO EASY to point the fingers at others, isn’t it? Suddenly the tree fingers pointing back at me became extremely uncomfortable. Not only did I involve myself in abusive relationships, I was part of the problem by perpetuating the learned behavior myself. If you think you were not part of the problem, ask those survivors of abuse. If you want a better outcome in the future, it is best to ask yourself some questions about your personal boundaries.

Use the following:

• What is it about me that brought this situation out in the open?

• Where did I fail to have healthy boundaries?

• What are healthy boundaries?

• Where did I perpetuate the learned behavior, and WHY did I perpetuate it?

• Can I change the boundary so it is more realistic?

I still believe people are inherently good, but living their life through pain hidden in their shadow self. Having this empathic ability does attract all sorts of fuckery, and this one instance taught me that I needed to develop firmer boundaries with others and more importantly myself. I also identified a need to learn clinical distance when I am called to speak truths to others.

Last Updated June 11, 2018

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