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Hi Gwen!

Spiritual Journey to Unconditional Love

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On November 7, 2017 it will be exactly 11 months since my dark journey began.  At that time my soul was broken, incredible sadness and loss at the destruction of my marriage.  What began with blame and finger pointing, turned to shame and guilt, then deep sadness at the things I could not change about myself.  Transmuted to attempts to tear down walls I had built for protection.  All of this in an effort to understand the greatest gift of all, unconditional love.  Every step of this process involved the discovery of a new talent to be exercised for my betterment.  I feel the need to share my journey with others, so that when YOU meet loss, you too will have a place to start.  In laymen’s terms – what does it look like to remove your ego, how do you recognize the mirror, what really is that still small voice you hear, and how do you listen to it. 

 

Keep forever in your mind, that I know absolutely nothing, other than what I have gone through.  I am not an expert, I fall down, fail in my attempts, am inconsistent, and make mistakes like the rest of us.  I hope that this can be a place for others to come and share their thoughts on their healing journey.  I am open to discussion on other options and ways to heal (I love learning).  I will not tolerate bashing, I will not be vilified for my thoughts and beliefs, nor do I allow others to experience the same within this framework.  Nor will I hold your hands, your journey is after all your journey in life.  What I have to offer may not be for you, however you will have to do the work required to heal yourself if you wish to heal. 

 

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Mirror Mirror on the Wall (Boundaries)

  • Writer: Wendy S. Hockenberry
    Wendy S. Hockenberry
  • Feb 2, 2018
  • 3 min read

Here is a revelation through our wonderful friends in the science community. Do you know our brains are hard wired to replicate what we see others doing. Welcome to our Mirror Neurons…. Yep you got it, monkey see, monkey do…. Infants learn through mirror neurons, it helps them identify their parents, and emotions - among other things. As adults, we also learn through these same neurons when we undergo on the job training mimicking what the trainer is doing. In relating with others, we also use those neurons unconsciously adapting our patterns of speech, and body language to fit the mode of communication. Mirror neurons are tied to our visual cortex, which also means – we mirror what we read.


I am more than acutely aware that words have a power to transform a life. In fact Edward Bulwer-Lytton wrote one of my favorite quotes “The pen is mightier than the sword.” In a world of emails, text, and messaging systems, the written word is the method of communication I prefer. It allows time to reflect prior to response. When I write something, I have considered those words most carefully to convey a meaning specific to what I have said. Welcome to another aspect of abuse, every action has negative consequences – think through every step before you take it. The times I do not consciously weigh those words are followed by consequences with people who do not consider my meaning or read between the lines before a reply.


That being said the written form of communication does not convey all meaning during an interpersonal interaction. Thus has been the case several times in the last few days. I expressed my boundaries with kindness and respect for the other individual(s), and they missed specific points about the boundary. For the same reason, I bought into some of their story line failing to see the entire hidden message in their communication. Here I had to ask myself why did I miss their entire hidden message, and why did they miss my message?

The Nefarious Snipe AGAIN! Even when you set boundaries in a positive way, there is a potential for the other person to miss the point, because of something YOU want deeply. In short – here is your mirror. Every boundary I set had to do with social injustice and kindness to others and me. The shadow I could not see about myself was ‘I want to be accepted, and loved as I am’, so I gave allowances (leeway) for behaviors causing me to misalign. Case in point – Deception followed by a plea for help, coupled with I think you are beautiful. Statement of social injustice, if you need assistance, do not deceive another person to get it. The “I think you are beautiful,” caused me to waffle – resulting in that boundary not being as firm as it should be. So how can you be sure of your boundaries?


Ask yourself this:

  • When you first encounter an area where there needs to be a boundary, do you first ask why something was said or done by the other person?

  • Did you then ask them why they said or did the thing that caused you an issue?

  • Establish a boundary in a kind way (kind means stating I can understand why you said or did something then state the reason why you dislike it).

  • Often establishing a boundary requires you to ask the other person, if you were in my shoes what would you do?

  • If there is a rebuke from them, they did not understand your boundary, or use their own emotional intelligence to understand your position. Reframe the boundary from their potential perspective.

  • If they still do not understand the boundary, are you clear on why you feel the way you do?

  • If there is a cajoling response (typically done to sway you), are you falling back into a cyclical pattern of allowing others past that boundary?

  • Ask yourself, is this something you want or need?

  • Determine if you want or need it from this specific person or is this an overall want or need?

  • If this is an overall need, re-establish the boundary. (If necessary, remove yourself from the communication)

Knowing your boundaries and why you let people past them can be the difference between repeating the same pattern or breaking the chains. Personally, it’s time to break some chains…


Last Updated June 11, 2018

For further treatment on this series please go to:

 
 
 

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